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WINNER Cat & Mouse

Mouse has stripped in the Erotic Awards since we began. She never won because her act is not just about striptease. So, last year we created a category specially for her Erotic Cabaret. She really went to town with her show, making it into a rockband comedy with the rudest possible routine. She won, and everyone was delighted.

This year, Mouse couldn't bear not to be part of the show, and we suggested she enter the Performance Artist category, suspecting that some performance artist from the mainstream might upstage her. However, the judges and audience have fallen in love with her.

She is the modern day equivalant of Carry On. Her outfits are cute'n'gorgeous, her music mad and frantic, her body lithe and perfect, her sense of theatre endearing, her erotic pranks amazing. We all fear for her life as she sticks sparklers up her bum, tries to throw eggs at the audience from a ladle up her arse, shoots dubious substances over our posh judge's lapel, and then climbs on a table to leap in the air landing on her bottom in a bowl full of milk.

Our (anonymous) sponsor always writes to beg: please seat us several rows back we prefer to stay dry and wish to avoid those vaginal squirts in the eye.

Mouse is really precious to us, and we worry, where does she go from here? Wherever she goes, she has another Erotic Award to back her up. And thanks to Cat the Beastly Vet come dirty old man and Mouse Hunter.